A Mama's Dedication to the Everyday Dad

There are several dads that I have watched in my everyday life. Two of which are pictured left. However, none are mentioned in any of the Father's Day readings that I have perused over the past month leading up to this day of thanks for fathers.

So, I want to send a special shout to you all for everything you do, everyday, as a father. I want you all to know that this mother sees you and appreciates you for the joy you bring to my life as I watch you give to your children and mine.

The first man I watched on an everyday basis was my stepfather Johnny E. Sibley - daddy. The beauty of this man is that he married my mother more than 29 years ago with two children (one of which was me) who also had the responsibility of four younger sisters and brothers (my grandmother had died leaving my mother's siblings in her care).

My stepfather went on to raise my mother's siblings, myself and my older sister as well as father my younger sister with mother. And he did all of this while providing for his two children from a previous marriage.

Now, I know you are all acknowledging how amazing this is, especially in the mid-seventies - an era when men seemed to be abandoning the responsibility of fatherhood in light of all the pressure and lack of opportunity. But, more than the beauty of the idea of a man, my dad is that he showed "his girls" what a man is and how a man is supposed to treat his family by being there and living the example.

This truck driver helped me, as a girl child, avoid the pitfalls of looking for love from any man or searching for a father in a relationship because I had one all along. His memory is also helping me heal the wounds of abandonment I feel as a woman who has realized the hole in my heart resulting from the lack of connection with my biological father. The reality is that Johnny's fatherhood example has informed many areas of my life - most good and some bad. But, for all that he was (he passed in 2003 of colon cancer) and is to me, I thank you daddy. He is a true example of a father's covering.

The second man I watch on a daily basis as a father is my husband. He hates when I talk about him too much in public because he is so private. But, I have to celebrate him for all that he is. He is the provider and covering that I prayed for in a husband to take over where my father left off in my life. He will also be that and so such more for our children.

My children will feel the bond of father and child that I longed for. They will have what I've seen with daddy and my younger sister. They will not have the hole of disconnection that I struggle to heal. My daughter will remember their father-daughter dates. My son will remember father-son time, all with their biological father who honors and enjoys the responsibility bestowed upon him by God. We all will remember soccer Saturdays, Miami trips, Disneyworld, fixing things around the house and all of the other little and big things he does everyday.

And no matter how much he and I struggle in the husband and wife department, I will forever be grateful that he chooses our children as they choose him.

And to Darrel and Kota - two of the other fathers I watch in their everyday daddy lives - thanks for the haircuts, barbershop runs, hugs and "what's wrong, buddy's" for Jonathan; the encouragement, little pushes, discipline when needed, the ice cream trips and double family movie dates. You both are the uncles my kids never had, since I only have sisters. You're the daddy back-up when daddy's not there yet; or, when me and the kids are at your house - Darrel says I'm like furniture, a fixture at his house; sometimes I'm there more than he is :)

You both continue to inspire me as examples of what fathers are - the bear hugs, the firm tone and the soft touch - all in balance.

And you do it all while acknowledging your wives mommihood as being important. You do it all while letting her know that you appreciate and love her for all of the hard work she does. You smile at her. You hug her. You take her on trips, just to let her know that you see her in all of her glory.

All of these men do their daddy-duty and make me proud. I am proud to be surrounded by "real men." Men not caught up in the idea of what fatherhood is. but, men that are about the action of fatherhood, everyday. And, in doing daddy-duty, they are doing their men-duty. They are examples of the men that are covering their children, their children's children and their children's, children's children as things were meant to be.

I thank each of you for that. I thank you for being married and not just being a "baby's daddy." I thank you for staying focused on your family - contrary to popular culture. I thank you for standing against cycle of divorce in our community. I thank you for not leaving our girls searching for a man's love in all the wrong places; for not leaving our boys without men role models, for not leaving mothers working too hard to be mommi and daddy; for not leaving women carrying the financial burden alone.

This is not to say that I don't see these men for all that they are. They all definitely have flaws. They get on my nerves and their wives nerves sometimes. But, even as they work through their personal issues and flaws, they create a foundation for fatherhood that I am glad to have for my children and for myself.

And finally, to all of the everyday dads out there. I want you to know that we see you; we honor you; we thank you. And, your cheerleaders hope this blog entry serves as the memo to the world that acknowledges and honors you for the work that you do as the everyday father. We are here to let the world know that fatherhood isn't about celebrity, money in your bank account or having it all together. We stand to tell the world that you understand that Fatherhood is about doing your part in the "being family" equation.

And you're doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well!

Mommi's can I get a witness?

Acknowledge "the memo" by commenting - click on the envelope below. Or email us at beingfamiyeditors@yahoo.com

Summertime - And Living is Anything But Easy?

As I sit down to write this blog, I can't believe a month has gone by since my last entry. I think to myself, my lack of writing is not due to a lack of something to say. It's more of an issue to find the time to sit down and write what's on my mind.

It's like the picture that I have chosen to feature of my son and his friend. I can remember when they were not able to hold their heads up; and, me and my friend Brenda were sleep deprived, cranky and so emotional we we had no control over when our next cry would be or what it would be about (that last part about the crying was just me, not Brenda).

But now, the boys are 3 and almost 4; giving their sisters a run for their money and have needs f their own that they are not afraid to let you know about.

"Mommi, I don't want to watch her show! I want to watch my show," my son tells me.

When did his show and her show become different? Nickelodeon, Disney, HBO Family, Sprout and Noggin are interchangeable, aren't they?

Apparently not.

Well that synopsis sums up my life over the past week, month, year - the evolution of my children's lives, my life, my marriage, my family life. They all change in the blink of an eye; and I wonder where the time has gone.

With so much change happening all the time, it would be easy to
glaze over it all and chalk it up to the memories of life with little
acknowledgement to the details. But,taking the time to do the details is where the love is. So, I will offer some details of the past month.

Working and Not - My part time contract position as an adverting executive helped me climb out of the financial hole I was in to finish paying tuition for the 2006-2007 school year - thank God. It also ended as quickly as it started with a (supposed) two week hiatus. Let's hope I start back soon. If they don't call me back within the two weeks, I guess I have to start really working toward plan B. I need the steady income of a job to take care of my responsibilities in the house as well as fund the magazine until it can fund itself. So, if you are in Atlanta and know of some work for me, let me know.

Simultaneously, I am working on the many aspects of the magazine launch - advertising, directing writers, writing myself and so much more that if I name them I will get tired
and overwhelmed.

Vacationing - We (my mom, my younger sister, my niece, my children and myself - my husband opted out) took a trip to my hometown, New Orleans, and my mother's hometown, New Roads, Louisiana over Memorial weekend. It was a blast to introduce my children to beignets, sno-balls and the French Market - my native food, my people and culture. We got to spend time with
Ta-Na, Nanny, Auntie Dee, Auntie Edna, Uncle Louis, Angie and Olivia - the family we
don't get to see in our everyday lives in Atlanta. The people that talk a little
different. Do a little different. The family/village that always have a big smile, big hug and big meal prepared especially to show their love.

Living - In between all of that there was the Girls Scout Brownie Awards Ceremony, end of Spring Soccer and the party; daddy giving me my one day off a month for some "me time;" the chorus concert; my son's three year old birthday and the two parties; Mother's Day; other people's birthday parties; laundry that had to be done, broken dryer or not; the school year
ending; summer beginning; and, my girlfriend since junior-high visiting from Dallas, TX.

Some time was also devoted to my husband and I finding little ways to take care of each other - him finding time to take care of the yard and fix the dryer, even with his busy
schedule. And, me offering, unexpectedly, to prepare him something to eat on-the-go as he headed to a weekend appointment.

For us it's not always about lovemaking that shows the other we care. It's the little things that let's the other know that we want to do our part to make the other's life easier. It's what we need in this fragile part of our marriage.

Working Some More - I have also been working for you - the Being Family Magazine audience/family - to make sure that our launch will be more than some print on paper. I am working out the details for three major things that will benefit all involved. First,
the Being Family Magazine Photo Contest. The contest will award prize money toward an education fund for the child(ren) of the winning families. Second, is the Being Family Magazine 2008 Calendar. The Calendar will feature the winning family photos and what "being family"
means throughout the year. An added benefit to this project is that part of the
profit will be awarded to non-profits the Being Family audience chooses and to
honor 12 teachers that are blessing our children in the classroom. The final project is the Being Family. Being Seen. Being Heard. '08 Family Resource Tour. This 7-city tour will bring the
resources, information, celebration and inspiration we need to support us in our
everyday work of being family despite what the media portrays of Black family
life.

So look for more information on all of these projects.

And, let me know what you think about this entry or share what's going
on in your busy life that contributes to your story of "being family."

Write us at beingfamilyeditors@yahoo.com or comment on the blog by clicking the little envelope below!

Can I get a witness?

Black Mommi Seeking Other Mommies Like Me - In the Pages, Online and In the World

You all should know by now that this magazine has been in the works for almost three years. It started as the result of a business relationship with another mom I met in my marketing consulting class for small business owners (I think I've mentioned that my professional background is an advertising executive and small business marketing consultant. Yes, I digress again!).

Anyway, Gwen had enrolled in my class to get ideas about marketing her regional parenting publication. Then, about two years later I called her to talk about writing for her magazine; or, finding out how to start a magazine to fulfill this need, this pull, I had to start writing about my experience in this place, this space, that was so different for me from what I had known to be my life not that long ago. This place of confusion in my life. I wanted to write out my feelings to help me sort out the disconnect from who I am now with who I was not so long ago - my former life and my now life.

The former life included lots of free time - too much at times - overflow of cash reserves, the that understood 'me first time' and still had so much left over to give others. The me that was the aunt who always had something to give - money and time. I could take my sister's children - all three of them - for the weekend once a month and treat them to the good life. Me and my roommate - who was also my cousin - were a big hit in Cracker Barrel on those Sunday mornings when other moms or grandmoms found out we were taking care of kids that weren't ours, giving a mom a break.

I was the daughter at Mama's every weekend. I was the niece that visited Auntie Marion regularly. I was the single woman that didn't date much and indulged in reading, trips to New Orleans - my home town. I was active on Notre Dame's Alumni Board. I didn't love all of it. I was lonely for love, companionship, not children just yet.

Or, so I thought.

My 'now' life, the mommy and wife life, was very different from the former. I was now and still am a mother with responsibilities and a wife in a struggling marriage. I am an entrepreneur, an at-home mom at times, a former corporate climber trying to define myself in these new roles and find my old self - the educated, confident woman, daughter, friend, cousin, niece, that made everyone who knew me proud of my accomplishments, including me, and looking forward to more from me.

But, as a reader and magazine junkie looking for a voice like mine, I found very little and none more often than not in my monthly visit to the bookstore to cruise the magazines, or daily or weekly in my online visits to parenting sites and African American sites. There was even little in the Black book craze that was and still is happening. My voice was barely represented in Essence, Black Enterprise or any other major black magazine on a regular basis. And, as I read Child, logged onto ivillage and skimmed other print or online media, I saw very little that looked or sounded like me.

I found myself jonesin' for the May issue of the Black magazines and O to see the issues of moms like me. The rest of the year I was stuck reading a very narrow view of motherhood sprinkled with a little Jada and Tonya Lewis Lee (Spike Lee's wife). Otherwise the moms' views were either white and/or older with much more money than I seemed to see in my bank account to spend on the products advertised. And, there were so many assumptions. The black magazines assumed I was a single mother, never married, divorced or headed that way and working hard with little time for my children. The other parenting magazines assumed I was married and financially well off with the ability to stay home and focus only on my children and needing to find time for intimacy with my husband.

However, my reality was very different from these mothers I read about in the magazines. I am an educated wife that wants to stay married and achieve and maintain a balanced and healthy relationship if at all possible. I am a woman who wants to pursue my personal ambitions passions, love and nurture my children as well as prepare them to become confident, educated independent adults that contribute to society - I refuse to raise another Black boy and girls who don't know love, support or his/her potential and the possibilities . I am working with my husband (or against him depending on when you ask him) to build a generational financial legacy. I want to help my family members out - financially, emotionally and spiritually - if I can and when I can if they deserve it. I want to contributing to the larger African American community with service and philanthropy. I want to reach back to help expose other children -in my family and not - to the all the wonderful, positive opportunities awaiting them when they work hard toward them.

So, I started researching to see how many other mothers there were out there like me. And as I researched to find the numbers to support what I know to be true - African American mothers, moms, mamas are a forced to be reckoned with and we are connecting online and off to give voice, face and words to our opinions, our joys, our challenges, our lives. I found some spaces, places and groups out there for me - online and off.

There's mommytoo.com, mahoganybaby.com online and niaonline.com; national organizations like Jack and Jill and Mocha Moms; more than 60 online groups, like Sistermoms, reaching more than 4000 black moms and a few dads. I won't even get into blogging. There are authors like Kimberly Seals Allers, Lonnae O'Neal Parker and Cecelie Berry

I was in African American parenting heaven when I found out about all of these sources. I found a little bit of everything I wanted in each of them. But, I still felt like it was all so fragmented. I wanted one source that I could go to all the time. And, since the one source wasn't there, I figured my experience with Gwen and my marketing background had prepared me to create it.

And, so we all await this fall for the premiere issue of the 'one source' - Being Family Magazine.

Our mission - Being Family is the premiere African-American Parenting and Family Lifestyle Magazine reflecting a modern perspective on child rearing and family life in our “village.” Our editorial content explores our families, our community, ourselves with depth and breadth. A source of celebration, information, support, inspiration, sharing and affirmation for Black family life. We encourage our readers to live fully in the present while nurturing our future.

Look for us to be online and in your emailbox with daily news that's important to us, in print quarterly with the information you need and showing our beauty and splendor. And in the community every chance we get.

Look for Being Family. Being Seen. Being Heard in '08 in these cities next year:
- Atlanta
- Chicago
- Dallas
- New York
- DC
- Charlotte
- LA

We'll be having fun our way:
African American Family Movie Night
Saturday Fun and Forum (Kids Pavillion and events and parent sessions, information and entertainment.

We'll be discussing our issues:
Our Money and Finances; Our Boys; Our Girls; Family History and Genealogy; Media Images, Music and Entertainment; Our Health: Pregnancy, Eating and Exercise, Mind Body and Soul; Marriage and Relationships; Education; Giving - Time, Talent and Treasure; Family Beauty and Fashion; Work(Career/Passion/Entrepreneurship)/Life/Family Balance; Election '08.

In the meantime, I need your support to spread the word. Send advertisers my way.

Email me to tell me what you want to see covered in our medium, our place, our space. Comment below (click the envelope below - scroll down) or email me.

Rochelle Valsaint
beingfamilyeditors@yahoo.com

Money. Money. Money. Money. Money!

'Handpicked'
- The Mocha Manual to a Fabulous Pregnancy by Kimberly Seals Allers

http://www.mochamanual.com/

- The Mocha Manual Shop (Spend $35 or more at the Mocha Shop by Mother's Day and you're automatically entered to win a baby shower.

http://www.mochamanual.com/motherdetail.cfm

As for the blog, the idea for this week's entry came to me long before the $350 spend at Target on Spring clothes for myself and the growing children or getting paid and watching my check disappear this weekend. I won't itemize the purchases, services and bill payments to the letter.

But just let me tell you, not much of it was outside of necessities - shoes for those same growing children mentioned above, car wash supplies for my nephew to wash my car and his $5 payment - he's 12; payment to have the yard cut (becasue my husband is too busy to do it, which is a digression I wont't even start on. but, I will another day); the hair care supplies for me and my daughter's hair (Once again, I won't be able to afford the products and a visit to the salon I've been wanting to make for more than 2 years now because I always have to choose self-maintenace or Mama's professional background - she owned a hair care salon some years ago - to maintain my relaxer and cuts. And, I have to maintain my daughter's thick yet beautiful mass of spiral curls and waves - some combination of her father's Bahamian-Haitian heritage with my Irish and African heritage (but I did dgress this time); the cell phone bill pyment, Mama's mother's day gift, groceries, gas and more more gas for all of the driving I do.

Sometimes I wonder where the money goes. But when I sit down and retrace my steps, I see it all so clear. So much so that I don't even get to all of the other things, like the curtains for every room in my house - they've been bare for some years now (I rationalize that I like the open feel it gives the house or whatever I need to say to myself to feel better about the fact that there are none); or the rugs needed for the hardwood floors; or the paint the house needs so desparately, the new bed for my son - who at 3 won't sleep in the crib that's in his room anymore. Or, the bedding for my daughter's room and our rooms. The carpet in our lower level of the house that needs to be cleaned. And, all of the other many things that our 50-something year old house needs to make it into this millenium.

All of the needs that come after the school tuition and cable bill that I pay and all the other bills that my husband pays. All of the needs that come before the luxury of renovation, new electronics, the piano lessons and singng lessons I want for my daughter. Or the laptop, stereo system and laptop, personal stylist makeover and photo session I think every Mommi deserves in this job where we forget our beauty.

I am not sure how in line my family's spending is with the latest 'Buying Power Report' http://www.targetmarketnews.com/BuyingPower06.htm which says that Black Consumers have increased spending on lifestyle "necessities" according to Target Market News Or, the BSM Media statisics regarding the spending habits of the "trillion dollar moms" market.

http://www.bsmmedia.com/resources/

But, I do know that I spend a lot. And, I know that it is important to weild the power of that spending as much as I can to:

1. Support Black moms and dads and their businesses - buy from companies featured on Being Family Magazine's "Handpicked" list.

2. Spend consciously, understanding the companies you spend with. Make sure they are supporting something you believein with the billions we are putting in their pockets.

3. Let companies know when products or services are not up to par.

4. Find the best value and don't always assume quality is associted with price.

5. Spend wisely, forego another pair of shoes or another outfit fo your child to save toward bigger dreams - like that international trip for the family to Africa, Spain or wherever you somewhere else outside of this country.

6. Invest in your home when you can.

7. Become philanthropic. This doesn't take big money. Give $50 to an organization. Donate your nearly new stuff to a women's shelter or consign and assign that money to charity.

I challenge you to do the same. Evaluate your spending your money on? Change a few bad habits. You won't believe how a few small changes can impact the quality of your life. You'll feel better about spending. You'll be giving. You'll be getting the best value for your money. And ultimately, you'll have money to save.

Can I get a witness? Tell me what you think!